Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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