I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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