Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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