Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
