Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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