Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
