Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
