I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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