You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
