why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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