What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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