I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
