her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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