If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
