Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
