My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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