Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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