yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
