My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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