Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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