She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
