so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
