if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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