yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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