omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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