so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
