I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
