Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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