someone threw a dead crab at me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
