I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
