Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
