you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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