Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
