he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
