Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
