She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
