Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
