I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
