It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
