the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
