the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
