The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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