dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
