I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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