Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
