Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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