my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
