Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
