Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
