Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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