wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
