If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Houston, we have a blender
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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