Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
