While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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