oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
