he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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