Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I have aggressive nipples.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
