good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Your dad touched me again.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
