Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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