we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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