While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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