clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
