i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
