You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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